Girls, you wee be seeing a guy now. He is not too fine but he is okay. He has small money and has a good job on top. More importantly,
he dotes on you. He will go out of his way to prove he is serious about you. He is the type that will use his own two hands to wrap himself around your fingers.
But you wee be looking at him and thinking, hmmmm, I no like this one. My heart no feel am.
So, you will now come on Facebook, see fine boy and you wee be lusting. Fine boy will post fine pictures and you wee be liking and loving and wawuing upandan like mgbeke wey dey enter 'allonplane' for the first time.
You wee summon courage and inbox fine boy. Fine boy will reply you very politely. Very smoothly. Fine face + fine brain = Husband material 7 x 777. He will even have the fisi of being a feminist and the jara of being able to cook. Mama mia!
At this point your tripping haff reach to break head. So you wee trip, fall ori over heels, your head wee break your fall and your sense will now splatter on the ground.
You and fine boy wee chat and chat. You wee do the Nigerian girl thing for him, Oga, no let your girlfriend comman break my head o.
Fine boy will jokingly say: My ex cannot even break bread if she were still here.
You will be relieved and happy. O mo pe na our elders ask: fine boy that has girlfriend, is that one fine boy?
You wee now be thanking God because all your enemies haff been put to shame. After the shege you saw in the hands of your ex fa? You wee be feeling like Mary, chosen from all Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Whatsapp and BBM babes to be the girlfriend and future wife of fine boy with fine brain with feminist as fisi and cooking skills as jara. Mama mia.
You wee now go on a date. Dressing like you have appointment with David Beckham or you wan go beg that lecturer wey no wan pass you for ENL320.
Fine boy wee now be cooler than his chats. Even finer than his pictures. He con taller join. Dafuq? Nigga, excuse me while I rush to buy ring. God punish tradition.
Fine boy wee be making you wet with his voice alone. Let me not even talk about his eyes and his laugh. You wee be sitting there and chopping him reverse cowgirl style in your mind.
You wee be hoping he won't invite you to come spend the night so soon. Of course, if he asks, you wee go na. But you wantu form deep small. "When it leaves the sitting room for the bedroom, something gets lost... " blah blah. That kain thing.
Fine boy wee surprise you. He wee only shake your hand and say bye. What a wawu! Imagine this self control. A whole fine ass girl like me dripping sexiness fa! Oh lawd, what a keeper. Abeg who is Vincent Enyeama again? That one na keeper?
Days wee pass. You wee wake to lovely, romantic messages from Fine Boy. You wee be grinning like an akamu as you are reading his messages. Your heart sef will follow dey do yo-yo, jumping upandan.
You wee now decide time has come to give Fine boy the forbidden guguru ati epa chop. You wee send him signals like you are an MTN mast standing like mumu by the side of a busy street. Fine boy wee not get the signals. You wee send DSTV signal, no response. Send GOTV signal, nada. Send GLO signal, no network. You will even try to help his understanding by sending WIFI but Fine Boy wee still not understand.
Why me God, you wee wail. Why didn't you give men small spirit of discernment?
You wee not know that Fine boy that cannot control babe to use her own mouth talk, 'Babe, make we meet and straff na' in grammatical correct and structurally clear terms instead of using the Parables of Jesus and the Proverbs of Solomon to talk it , is that one a fine boy?
Finally your konji wee defeat your pride and you wee now go to Fine boy and instead of asking 'babe, have they repair the transformer in your area? ' you wee ask 'Fine boy, will you be home this weekend? Wanna come over for the weekend and 
'
Fine boy will be home of course. Even if you ask on Thursday and na na Zaria e go to attend burial ceremony of him papa and the final rites na Friday, verily verily I say unto you, if he has to sell his papa coffin to get air fare back to Lagos, Fine boy go even sell dead body to ritualists join. Him go dey.
You wee now pick your panties carefully. Black too dull. White for what? Red fit but e fit think I be ritualist . Pink and purple na the colour jare.
So you now visit fine boy. Him flat neat gan. Everything in place. Him fridge sef set. Kitchen nko? Set. Bed no get these mumu stands wey go tell all the neighbours say somebody dey collect rivers of joy.
Friday, Saturday una nack, chop, nack, talk, nack, baff, nack, sleep, nack, look small feem, nack bifor actor and boss don start final fight. You wee be speaking in your real father's tongue. You wee be doing like one strong water spirit is manifesting whenever you cum. Like you have epilepsy.
Sunday, una no even fit pretend say na holy day, una nack sote bedbug die of earthquake. No single fear of the lord and you think you wee haff understanding.
Monday wee come, you wee now be going with your brand new K leg. You wee rish house and want to beep but say, Hey, I shuu wait for his romantic, 'Baybee, hope you are home, I miss you, I wish you didn't have to go, but I say make I pity pesin pikin. ' message.
Three hours later, you wee now be tired of waiting so you wee beep, Honey, I am home. You wee be thinking maybe his phone is off o.
But he wee now reply osiso, I am glad you are safe, welcome.
You wee be thinking , Hmmm, ees nothing sha. I expect too much. Too much Mills and Boon don scatter my head.
You wee wake up to the sweet messages on Tuesday and Wednesday. Things wee be as usual. But on Thursday and Friday, the only message you wake up to will be "Dear customer, your ATM card has been blocked due to BVN mainteinance. Call this number for immediate recovery. "
It wee be gradual, but na small small e dey happen, he wee be withdrawing. His chats wee not be sweet again. He wee just be there. Still polite. Still fine boy, but just there. Now it wee be your turn to do like you cannot understand simpu signal.
Simple signal telling you 'I don chop, belleful, thank you for the rice, make I try beans now' , you wee be doing like you don't understand .
In your oponu mind now you are a fine girl and nobody can just chop you and go laidat. In your akpu mind now it is too deep for that shallow shit. In your akamu mind now, he wee haff to collect leaving permit before he leaves.
So broda Fine Boy is a patient man. Unlike you. He keeps sending signal after signal. He even went outside to turn the 'arial'so television wee clear for you to see properly, but you stubbornly refuse to see.
Brother Fine Boy con upgrade signal strength. Him just stop taking your calls of answering your messages. E even reply your loooong messages with 'k'
Holy Moses, Father Abraham and Prophet Samuel, please pray for us!
He replied 'k' to your 'I love you so much it makes me feel all fluttery inside. It makes me feel so many things they haven't yet invented the words for.'!!!
Chukwu!!!!
Your eye con clear finally.
(To God Be the Glory, Great Things He hath Done.)
You wee now be forming heartbreak and now open your mouth and talk 3 words: He used me.
Sister, just know that the thunder that will fire you will come Nakademus style like a thief in the night.
You use your own mouth say you wan chop. You carry your two legs go receive the chop. You even vibrate under the anointing as the fire fall down. Now you open mouth say, He used me.
The thunder that will fire you has already booked ticket from heaven to earth.
You see boy wey sure, wey go fight mopol for you, you say Nooooo. You no feel am for heart. You want fine boy. You want fine boy. You want feel am for heart abi? Oya feel am now. Thief.
The thunder that wee fire you is still pricing shakabula for market.
Please send your comments to hymargeddon@yahoo.com
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